It was an exciting weekend at the Wine Skewer, as our trendsetting blog learned of a new twist in the escalating war of words over the use of words on wine labels.

Stakes in the semantic skirmish reached a tipping point earlier this month when Decanter magazine  reported that the European Union aims to enforce previously drafted regulations banning the use of a specific set of terms on U.S. wines exported to Europe. The forbidden words? Chateau, classic, clos, cream, crusted/crusting, fine, late bottled, vintage, noble, ruby, superior, sur lie, tawny, vintage and vintage character.

Apparently one American entrepreneur is planning to confront the challenge head-on. John Doe {pronounced D’oh!}—proprietor of The Winery That Shall Not Be Named {aka No-Name Cellars}, located in the humble Undisclosed Location AVA—told the Skewer: “If they think those words are offensive, they’ve got another thing coming.” Unless European lawmakers abandon this legislation, Doe’s No-Name Cellars will release the following wines, exclusively for distribution outside across the Atlantic:

Deep Pink. Sporting a shade of pink more frequently found in hot pants than in wine, Deep Pink is made by crushing red grapes and using skin contact to achieve its radiant hue, as opposed to mixing red and white wine (a practice recently rejected by the EU and heralded as a victory for authentic winemaking). However, unlike traditional Provence rosés, No-Name Deep Pink is made from Concord grapes and, as a result of his patent-penting “fementus interruptus” vinification technique, is left demonstrably sweet. Doe describes the wine’s taste profile as “ironic” in that while most European rosés are dry, his is “wet.” The wine is to be adorned with a label graphic that might best be described as Georgia-O’Keefe-ish {we would run a label reproduction, but hey, this is a family-friendly blog}.

ShiPiFuCuCoMofoTits. This red wine reflects Doe’s enduring fondness for the late comedian George Carlin, who shocked America in the 1970s with his now legendary “seven words you can’t say on television.” Doe said that the label for export will feature the infamous seven dirty words in their full spelled-out glory, along with the tag “Carlin Cuvée.” When questioned about whether the No-Name wine’s name might rub European drinkers the wrong way, he responded, “What—they got a problem with ‘cuvée’ now, too?” He added that while asking for it in a restaurant may draw stares, the wine is a perfect bistro choice because it pairs perfectly with “hamberrrgers.” And if the wine sells well abroad, No-Name will consider releasing the same wine in America, labeled simply “T*ts.”

92 RP. Taking a cue from American wine media, Doe’s high-end red blend is a vinous first in that he plans to release the wine “pre-scored.” Noting that 92 is the “perfect” wine rating—really really good, obviously better than anything rated 90 but not so highly rated that one expects it to be expensive—Doe insists that Europeans will fall for this wine “faster than the New York Stock Exchange.” He shrugged off the Wine Skewer’s concern that labeling a wine with the number 92 and letters “RP” would falsely imply that the wine has earned the accolades of American wine critic Robert Parker. “Look,” he explained, “Robert Parker is way too busy keeping tabs on his independently contracted critics whose initials are not RP to pay attention to how everyone uses his ratings anyway.”

WTF. We know what you’re thinking… what the f**k? Well, perish the thought. Citing the preponderance of forbidden terms related to the Portuguese specialty Port, Doe explained that WTF is in fact an acronym for Wine That’s Fortified. He calls this heady, 40-proof elixer “a real throwback… we stomp the grapes just like they used to do in Portugal, but we use a bathtub instead of concrete vats, to make sure it’s all hygienic.” He added that the back label will describe the wine as made from ignoble, mediocre, rubylike grapes left to ferment without any intervention whatsoever until the resulting oxidized, tannish liquid is fortified with pure grain alcohol, resulting in a “classique” profile that is chunky but uncrusted, just dandy, and devoid of both a vintage date and any character whatsoever.

In other news, we have not been able to confirm rumors to the effect that, in order to continue doing business in Europe, several prominent American producers might adjust their labels to comply with EU restrictions. To wit, as far as we know, Chateau Ste. Michelle is not changing its name to Casa Santa Miguel. Clos Du Val is not becoming Close to the Valley.  Nor doe we expect Clos du Bois to resurface as Vinny Dubois. However, we would not be entirely surprised if someone touched upon the shores of Normandy with a Three-Franc Frank.

Stay tuned for these and other developing stories as the Wine Skewer remains committed to bringing you the best of wine, both real and imagined.