Is it Finally Sexy Time for Wine? New Import Portfolio Goes Straight for the Crotch

It was bound to happen. Ever since porn star Savanna Samson started her own wine label—Sogno Uno, in Italy with the 2005 vintage—it was only a matter of time before a full-frontal line of sexually charged wines was unleashed. Thanks to the folks at Porneauxxx Imports, a brand new firm based in Hoboken, New Jersey, wine lovers will soon be drinking vins and vinos with some real va-va-va-voom.

The Wine Skewer was treated to a sneak peek at the complete Porneauxxx line, at a 25-cent movie theater just off Times Square in Manhattan.

Chateau Porneauxxx 2006 “Triple X Cuvée” Bordeaux. The flagship blend of the line, this classic French beauty makes you want to uncork it with your favorite mate on a shaggy rug in front of a fire. Like a vintage, cepia-tone burlesque photo, Porneauxxx teases, offering layers of titillating pleasure—cedary earthiness with a touch of plum on the nose, currants popping on the palate, palpable tannins stroking the tongue before slinking away in a way that just makes you want more. But Chateau Porneauxxx is not just a tease: behind every label is passport-size photo of, well, real porn, for your eyes only. We don’t want to tell you what the picture is…think of it as a sort of blind date with Bordeaux.

 

Righteous Shugga 08. Straight from the streets, this tricked-out blend of mm-mmm-mystery grapes is blingin’ inside and out. Sure, baby, there’s some Shiraz. Some sin Zin too. Maybe Malbec, and a touch-o’-sugar tickling your tongue like nobody’s bizness. And mos definitely it’s been around the block, in a goooood way. It’s got the beat, that’s all you got to know. Just open wide and say ahhhhh. Wine out.

69 Vineyards 2002 “Both Ways” Pinot Gris/gio, Willamette Valley Oregon & Alto Adige, Italy. Who needs a 96 when you’re offered a 69? There’s a lot of Pinot going on in this wine, which is half classic old-world Grigio charm, half new-world Gris braggadacio. Subtle meets sass. Mild meets muscle. Why Alto Adige and Willamette? Well, they sound sexy. The 500ml bottle is a perfect fit for two. Just add finger food.

 

 

Stripped 2008 Chardonnay, Sonoma Coast. Unfettered by a cloak of oak, this pure, vivavcious, all-fruit vixen is lookin’ for love in all the right places—maybe even your kitchen table. Imagine this wine as the Chard next door, who shows up one day butt nekked and just wants to play. Fresh peach on the nose, pineappley zing in the mouth, bootylicious tail. It’s the whole package, but you don’t get wood. Why Sonoma Coast? Because sipping Stripped goes well with skinnydipping.

 

 

 

 

Bodegas Culo Grande 2007 “Big Butt” Chardonnay, Spain. This buxom, buttery Chard is all about the butt, as in the 130-gallon casks normally used in Sherry production, here applied to that wood-sucking grape Chardonnay. Actually, the barrel itself has very little effect on the wine; but the oak chips, powder and staves we stick in there add up to one bottom-heavy wine with the toasty oak in high-def. Not everyone’s cup of tea, but for big-butt lovers, once you go here, there is nothing else quite like it.

 

 

  

 

 

Spike Heel 2006 Pinot Noir, New Zealand. From the brave new frontier of Pinot pleasure, this Kiwi demands not just your attention, but also your obedience. Unscrew. Sniff. Sip. Swallow. Take a bite of food. Repeat. Your flesh will tingle with cherry-savory delight. Meee-ooow.

  

  

  

 

Booty Box 2008 Riesling, Mosel Valley. Talk about shedding an old image, this off-dry wonder from the Land of Impenetrable Gothic-Script Labels is a study in simplicity. It’s 100% Mosel Valley Riesling, left a tad sweet, and packaged in foodsafe plastic sack inside a recycled cardboard box. Talk about flexible: Booty Box is perfect for a quick “nooner” quaff, but it stays fresh longer than Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights.

B-S-D 2007 Cabernet Sauvignon, Napa Valley. Hey, you know who you are. We know who you are. One Big Swinging Deal. You’ve got to have the best, the biggest, the ballsiest. So here ya go: 100% Napa Cab, aged 12 months in 100% new French oak, then racked into 100% new American oak for 12 months more. Gives you a stiffy just thinking about it, don’t it?

Cougar Trail 2008 “Young Stud” Red Blend, Paso Robles. Ah, the joys of youth. Just a pup by most red-wine standards, this strapping red is a real favorite of frisky, mature ladies just lookin’ for a some youthful fun. Big and muscular, if not so bright, this kitchen-sink blend is just right for laying out on the kitchen table.

Vigna V’gina 2007 Barolo, Piedmont, Italy. Hey, get your mind out of the gutter! Vigna V’gina is not an inside joke of a wine from some horny winemaker in the hills of Abruzzo. It is a real man’s Barolo. Its seriously musky aromas of tar, truffle and roses give way to earthy, funky, brambly fruit and tannins that imbue the wine with a practically hirsute texture. Not for the faint of heart, this rustically delizioso red is a bit of an acquired taste, but some guys can’t get enough of the stuff.

 

 

 

Spanky Tushwhack 2006 “Red Cheeks” Red Wine, Barossa Valley, Australia. The Aussies have never been the type to shy away from cheeky wine names, but this one takes a special “seat” in the canon. It started with a mix of naughty overripe Merlot and Grenache grapes which we paddled into submission by laying on the lumber hard and fast, all the while exclaiming, “Bad wine! Bad wine!” Ah, now that’s better, yes?

 

 

 

 Stimulus 2008 Malbec, Mendoza, Argentina. Fresh from a country whose economy tanked long before financial failure became fashionable, Stimulus Malbec is all about the package. Sure, this wine represents all that is great about Argentina’s inky, affordable signature red. But, really, check out that unit! Standing 12 inches when fully erect, this tubular sensation takes bag-in-box technology to new heights. And unlike some dude you meet in a wine bar, who’s gone the next morning, this three-liter red can stick around for weeks if you’d like.

Qinky Qognac. This exotic distillate puts some real kink in your after-dinner denouement. Qinky hails from the Charente district of France, where an amalgam of native herbs and spices are used to infuse the 80-proof spirit with an exotic power that exceeds even absinthe. Think leather, chains, whips, latex…. Why do you think it comes in a plain brown box?

{Thanks to Katie P. of http://gonzogastro.wordpress.com for graphics.}

– XXXOOO –